Fireball's Fecal 50 -- #50-#41

[Pastor Fireball]

The wait is over! It's finally time to start counting down my list of the 50 worst songs in history. As I mentioned before, I first got inspired to do this list 14 years ago as a means of protest against VH1 and Blender magazine. They conspired to laughably claim that Starship's "We Built This City" was the worst song of the rock era. As my middle finger to those pissflaps, I put together a list of the real worst songs of the rock era and published it on May 16, 2004--roughly one month before I officially joined the WWTBAM Bored.

Of course, the music industry has evolved (or devolved, in many cases) dramatically over the past 14-plus years, so I am long overdue to update my list. A couple of rules that I will be exercising here:

1. I must have heard a song at least once in my lifetime in order for it to appear on this list. In 2004, I made the mistake of giving VH1 and Blender the benefit of the doubt and keeping songs that I had never heard of at that time. As a result, a lot of terrible songs were excluded from my original Fecal 50.

2. In order to keep it fair, I am allowing only one song per lead artist, just as I did in my 2004 list. In many cases, I will use that one song to represent that artist's entire career. I will declare those instances any time they come up. In at least one case, an artist will show up as both a lead artist in one song and as a featured artist in another song.

I also debated whether or not I should bother to include links to the songs on this Fecal 50, given how horrible these songs are. In the end, I felt that I had a duty to play every single one of them; otherwise, it would completely neuter this countdown. (Disclaimer: I will not be held responsible for any illnesses or acts of aggression that you may develop after listening to the crap below.)

Fun fact: The highest ranking song from my 2004 chart not to appear in my 2018 chart is Rick Astley's "Never Gonna Give You Up" (#18). That song has really grown on me as I've gotten older. Not enough to make it onto the Fantastic 500, but enough that I can enjoy it.

And now... brace yourselves and call up the Bored Sweeper because the parade of poop begins... RIGHT NOW!

#50: Work It, Missy "Misdemeanor" Elliott, (2002)
#50 in 2004

All of Missy's songs sound the same to me. I picked this song in 2004 because it was the most blatant ripoff of one of her earlier songs--that being "Get Ur Freak On". No reason for me to change that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cjIvu7e6Wq8

#49: Work It, N**** f/ Justin Timberlake (2002)
#49 in 2004

I'm not a dishonest prejudiced egotist like Estonut, so there is no reason for me to poison the Bored with racial slurs. Anyway, this is the second song called "Work It" to appear on my list... so a good rule is that if you become famous, don't name one of your songs "Work It" because odds are it will suck. It also doesn't work as a TV title, either. (Hint hint, ABC!) Anyway, I really could have picked any song to represent this unconvicted rapists's entire discography, but I stuck with this song because it was on my original list. And don't even get me started about Justin Timberlake being anywhere near this song. I think he did this collaboration solely to shake off his squeaky-clean pretty-boy pop image at the time. Although J.T. has since become a great singer and actor, it sure as hell wasn't because of this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrOcmcJrCHQ

#48: Touch Me When We're Dancing, the Carpenters (1981)

This was the final Top 20 hit for the brother-sister duo, and they also get the distinction of being the first act from my Top 500 list to also appear in my Fecal 50. Say what you will about "Calling Occupants of Interplanetary Craft", but the lyrics of this song were pure 1980s commercial schmaltz. Oh, and we have the laughable video effects that put dancers and a saxophone player on Richard's piano. The most unwatchable part of the video, though, was how you could clearly see in Karen's eyes and face that death was imminent. A very sad end to what was once a respectable pop act.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M_vIhByz9aI

#47: Respect Yourself, Bruce Willis (1987)

This Staple Singers classic ranked #45 on my Early 1970s list, making this the only song to appear on both my all-time favorites list and my all-time worst list. Bruce's cover version of this song made me want to run for cover. You can just hear the cheese oozing out of Bruce's mouth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3vMKSA0OKc

#46: My Ding-a-Ling, Chuck Berry (1972)

The rock and roll pioneer had so many great songs during his career, but it is a real travesty that this pointless novelty song was his only #1 hit. Spoiler alert: This song is about his penis. No wonder he put those cameras in women's restrooms. Shame on you, 1970s America!

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UaEC-lWSlmI

#45: She Bangs, Ricky Martin (2000)
#26 in 2004

I have no use for any of Ricky Martin's music--including his work with Menudo. "Livin' La Vida Loca" was bad enough, but this one was the absolute worst. William Hung's infamous version of this song during the "American Idol" auditions was at least enjoyably bad... but I could have done without any version of this song, period.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ihtX86JzmA

#44: MMMBop, Hanson (1997)
#48 in 2004

Yeah, you knew this ubiquitous 1990s bubblegum pop hit would be on my list again. I was still high in 2004, which might explain why I put this song only at #48 the first time around. Then again, when you see the rest of this list, you'll see why this song can't really get any higher than #44.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NHozn0YXAeE

#43: Saturday (Oooh! Ooooh!), Ludacris f/ Sleepy Brown (2002)
#29 in 2004

"Money Maker" came out two years after this one and I almost picked that Luda song over this one... but I stick with my original entry because this song was 100% cheese (and I don't mean money). I know this song talks about weed, but the rest of it makes absolutely no sense to me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eO9c5abCyZE

#42: Party All the Time, Eddie Murphy (1985)
#22 in 2004

Personally, I prefer Eddie's singing as Buckwheat. When he tried to be a serious musician, it just came off as cheesy. Who was to blame for this song? Rick James, of course. Rick had to be high on something to think that Eddie could pull off this song without making everybody else facepalm. Somehow, this song got to #2 on the Billboard Hot 100. A very appropriate peak position for it because that's exact what it is. A steaming pile of number two.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iWa-6g-TbgI

#41: My Heart Will Go On, Celine Dion (1997)
#24 in 2004

This song should have been called "My Fart Will Go On", because this is one of those songs that lingers in the air like a Texas chili fart. This is one of the most overplayed and most gut-wretching movie songs in the world. It came from some titanicly overexposed movie about a big boat that sinks, whose title escapes me right now.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DNyKDI9pn0Q

More lumps of coal are coming down the chimney tomorrow morning. You thought these ten songs were bad? Just wait.

[kroxquo]

I'm not a dishonest prejudiced egotist like Estonut, so there is no reason for me to poison the Bored with racial slurs.

I could take your list a lot more seriously if you refrained from the unsolicited uncalled-for personal insults