Fireball's Fecal 50 -- #10-#1

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Pastor Fireball
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Fireball's Fecal 50 -- #10-#1

#1 Post by Pastor Fireball » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:00 am

Congratulations! You made it to the top of the crap heap... though you may regret being here in a couple of minutes. #50-#41 was slightly discomforting, #40-#31 was monocle-popping, #30-#21 was "looks like I picked the wrong week to quit drinking", #20-#11 was "call the emergency ward because it might be Ebola"... but now we're at the final ten songs, which could be described only in the same way that Red Green described the end of the Lady in Red episode of his show: "If my wife is watching, and I really hope you're not, but if you are... I think I'm gonna have a bath tonight... in boiling bleach. The rest of ya, sorry you watched."

Here come those ten boiling-bleach songs. You've been warned.

#10: Crank That (Soulja Boy), Soulja Boy Tell 'Em (2007)

What in the name of purple f**kwagons... I though I was done talking about ringtone rap yesterday! This is the song that actually coined the term "ringtone rap"... or, should I say, "ringtone crap". It's an appropriate term because this song is the audio equivalent of explosive diarrhea. Plus, we get the bonus of Soulja Boy being the first talentless person to get a recording contract because of a YouTube video, so... yay?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UFIYGkROII

Speaking of talentless people getting recording contracts because of a YouTube video...

#9: Baby, Justic Bieber f/ Ludacris (2010)

Yeah, it was only a matter of time before we got to the Beebs. By this point, saying that Justin Bieber is a horrible singer with horrible lyrics would be beating a dead horse with a dead horse. Not content with being an annoying bubblegum pop singer that makes tweenage girls go into premature orgasms, the Beebs has since become kind of a dick when the cameras aren't rolling. Though this wasn't the first US hit for the Beebs--he had two Top 20 singles a year earlier--this was the song that actually put him on the map... and we're still wishing he would leave the map permanently. When is Orangey McPeepants gonna deport this human queef back to Canada? I'll bet Drumpf would have done it last year if the Beebs was Mexican. Then again, the Beebs has been trying hard during the past five years to be Black, so he's kinda halfway there already.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kffacxfA7G4

#8: Crawling, Linkin Park (2001)
#3 in 2004


I considered lowering my ranking on this song after the tragic suicide of lead singer Chester Bennington last year. I considered it for, like, half a second. Then I decided, "Nope, can't do it." All of Linkin Park's songs are 100% crap, just as they were in 2004. It was pretty hard for me to pick one song to represent this band's entire discography of dung. "In the End" was their biggest pop hit and I easily could have subbed in that one. In the end, though, "Crawling" was just seven different kinds of terrible. Scott Stapp's screaming into the microphone was nothing compared to the screaming in this one. This band was also responsible for the only low point in Jay-Z's otherwise illustrious career. The 2004 collaborative EP Collision Course made Jay Leno's "Collision Course" look like a Federico Fellini film by comparison. Come on, Jigga. You're better than that.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gd9OhYroLN0

#7: Once Bitten Twice Shy, Shaun Cassidy (1980)

Most of you certainly remember this Top 10 hit from 1989 by the rock band Great White. What you probably didn't know is that Ian Hunter--lead singer of Mott the Hoople--wrote and recorded this song back in 1975. You probably also didn't know that Shaun Cassidy was the first act to cover this song. He did it for his 1980 album, Wasp, which was produced by Todd Rundgren. Yes, that Todd Rundgren. I wasn't familiar with these facts about "Once Bitten Twice Shy" until Martha Quinn mentioned them during a Top 40 countdown on SIRIUS XM '80s on 8 a couple of years ago. So I looked up Cassidy's version of this song on YouTube. Jesus tap-dancing Christ, I wish I was deaf. Todd, what the hell did you do to David's half-brother?! I wrote in the comments for this YouTube video: "Unfortunately, I cannot un-hear this song... I'm sorry, but nobody in their right mind should be picturing Shaun Cassidy putting his hands across somebody's state line." If Todd Rundgren never gets inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, I guarantee it will be because of this.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p_yJlcd-Nlg

#6: Can I Touch You... There?, Michael Bolton (1995)
#42 in 2004


No, Michael, you cannot touch me there. Or anywhere else, for that matter. I've said many times over the years that Michael sounds like a cow giving birth. Don't expect me to budge from that because it's still the truth. I really could have picked any of his songs--such as "Love Is a Wonderful Thing" or his own version of "I Found Someone" that was done better by Laura Branigan and even Cher a decade earlier--but the special creepiness of this song is what got it on my first list and kept it on my updated list. But thanks to all of the sexual harassment that has been made public ever since "grab 'em by the pussy" over two years ago, I'm putting this song way, way higher than its original #42 position.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SvbFsdWJLuo

And if you think this song is creepy, wait until you see #5.

#5: Into the Night, Benny Mardones (1980)

Now let's go again to my year of birth for what could very well be Roy Moore's theme song. Benny's melodramatic singing certainly didn't help this song's credibility. On any other song, Benny could be passable... but there is absolutely no redemption from a song encouraging statutory rape. That rule alone almost got a host of other songs--like "Clair", "(She's) Sexy + 17", and "You're Sixteen, You're Beautiful, and You're Mine"--thrown onto this list... but then there wouldn't be any room for all of the terrible rap songs that have abused my ears over the years.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4aWhn0Hc8ps

Yes, it does get worse than this. The next song verifies this.

#4: Little Children, Billy J. Kramer with the Dakotas (1964)

On the creep scale, we're going from statutory rape all the way up to the 11 that is pederasty and molestation for what is unquestionably the worst song of the 1960s. Seriously, who the hell greenlights this crap?! With Catholic priests diddling altar boys for at least the past 50 years, this is the dirtiest and most uncomfortable I have ever felt while listening to a song. Get the bleach. "Little children, you better not tell on me. I’m tellin’ you, little children, you better not tell what you see." I'll be damned if those aren't the exact words spoken by a priest while he's alone in the refectory with once-innocent boys. Seriously, f**k this song with a saguaro cactus.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KRaQ8N8gBBk

#3: Who Let the Dogs Out, Baha Men (2000)
#2 in 2004


Oh, God... this pile of dog excrement. If anybody wants proof that the people who vote on the Grammys are a bunch of morons, this song actually won a Grammy in 2001. I would rather listen to the repetitive lyrics of "One More Time", "Gucci Gang", "No Limit", or any other terrible, horrible, no good, very bad song before I listen to these dillholes beat me over the head with that "Who Let the Dogs Out" chant ever again! Well, any other song except for two, because this black eye on musical history got knocked down to #3.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qkuu0Lwb5EM

This next song, my brand new #2, will require a soapbox for me to stand on because it's a real doozy.

#2: Look at Me, xxxtentaction (2017)

Since this song is called "Look at Me", let's actually look at xxxtentacion, why don't we?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/XXXTentac ... tacion.jpg

Yeah, we're already off to a flying start with this review. Let me introduce you to Jahseh Onfroy A.K.A. xxxtentaction, the reason why Soundcloud has been such an effing joke. If you ever needed a reason to crack down on the abuse of women in America, citrine Cthulhu Donald Drumpf would certainly be the posterboy for it... but this bastard would have been Drumpf's choice to chair a domestic abuse council. "Bastard" is not a word that I toss around on the Bored lightly, but give me about five minutes and you will see why my liberal use of the word "bastard" is justified here. We'll start with the song itself, then we'll get to the bastard behind this song. The title, "Look at Me", is a little on the nose because this bastard came off as an edgelord who vomited out dishonest and offensive crap solely to shock listeners... you know, just like that other bastard Drumpf does. Now let's talk about the beats backing up this cowpile. I knocked on Michael Bolton earlier for singing like a cow giving birth... but the digital cows in this song make Michael Bolton sound like Al Green by comparison. Finally, we get to the bastard xxxtentacion himself... and a more appropriate animal to represent him would not be a cow, but a pig... just like Drumpf. Back in 2016, xxxtentacion was slapped with charges on the false imprisonment, strangulation, and aggravated battery of his pregnant girlfriend. Classy, huh? This then leads me to another rap song that could have been a contender for this all-time worst list, "Roll in Peace". This was one of Kodak Black's recent hits, and Kodak Black is another one of these new "mumble rappers" who really needs to be thrown down the memory hole.
xxxtentacion put a featured verse on this track, and one line in his verse was essentially his Drumpf-style middle finger to his accuser and the rule of law: "Last time I wifed a b***h, she told the world I beat her". See what I mean? xxxtentacion not only had no regrets for his deplorable actions, he bragged about his deplorable actions. A 100%, grade-F bastard. But xxxtentacion, of course, reflected the central issues with Drumpf. Repugnant anti-Christian subhumans are being put on a pedestal, celebrated, excused, and put in positions of power... while those who want to make the world a better place for everybody instead of just themselves are shunned, criticized, marginalized, slandered, and demonized. It fuels the Steve Bannons and the Alex Joneses and the Nigel Farages and the Spocks of the world--the online troll culture and the anti-intellectualism that has turned America into an idiocracy and a s**thole country. Giving attention to bastards like Drumpf and xxxtentacion sends the message that heathen behavior is OK as long as it reinforces your own ignorant feelings and you're making money off of it. If you support Drumpf, you also support xxxtentacion. There is no separating the two anymore... and if you support one without supporting the other, then you are a racist bastard and you have already punched your ticket to the deepest, hottest part of hell when you die. If you support both Drumpf and xxxtentacion, you're still a bastard and you're still going straight to hell. You'll just be less crispy than the racists. Incidentally, xxxtentacion has already beaten the Drumpf supporters to hell because he was shot and killed back in June. This allowed another one of xxxtentacion's s**t stains, "Sad!", to become a posthumous #1 hit on the Billboard Hot 100. And where did xxxtentacion come up with the title "Sad!"? From Drumpf's Twitter feed--or Drumpf's Analytical Assimilation Holder, as we renamed it this past summer--so the xxxtentacion-Drumpf comparison is totally valid. By the way, the last artist to have a posthumous #1 hit? Static Major with his feature on "Lollipop", the song back at #11 on this list. Oh, for the love of God! Just like with Chester Bennington, I had the option to excuse horrible music on account of the singer's recent death and categorically rejected the idea. On a moral level, this is the most reprehensible song ever. And yet, this song is only #2 on my list, so you know the bottom of this barrel have to be a special kind of bad to outrank "Look at Me".

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJGcwEv7838

If you've done your math, you'll notice that my #1 worst song of 2004 hadn't come up yet. That's because my #1 in 2004 is still my #1 in 2018.

#1: Purple Pills/Purple Hills, D12 (2001)
#1 in 2004


Back in 2004, I had a difficult time picking which Eminem song should take the dubious honor of worst song ever.
Songs like "Stan" and "White America" were strong candidates, and "Lose Yourself" certainly would have brought my earlier "Oscar mistakes" theme full circle. However, I had to choose this song because I call it "a triple threat in the music industry". It's not only the worst song in history, but it was accompanied by the worst music video in history and the credited rap group was led by the worst rapper in history. Eminem is the original Sam Hunt, in that he has no business being in the business and is only there because some greedy record exec needs him to make--and I'm paraphrasing the great Steve Earle here--rap music for white people who are scared of Black people, A.K.A. people who support Drumpf but don't support xxxtentacion. And I haven't really talked about the video yet, but let's just say that MTV did a huge disservice to America by not putting a "Warning: May cause blindness" label on it. Actually, MTV did a huge disservice to America by putting the video on the air in the first place, but that's not the point. The point is that after fourteen years, I will not change on any of this one iota. Fourteen years from now, I doubt that I will say any differently. Eminem was, is, and always will be the worst of the worst.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Uuq6HgKgEFQ

I don't know who's going to clean up this mess, but it sure as hell isn't going to be me. I have a New Year's Eve party to plan for. But come back to the Bored on Monday because I have a special announcement to make just before 2018 ends.
"[Drumpf's] name alone creates division and anger, whose words inspire dissension and hatred, and can't possibly 'Make America Great Again.'" --Kobe Bryant (1978-2020)

"In times of crisis, the wise build bridges. The foolish build barriers." --Chadwick Boseman (1976-2020)

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T_Bone0806
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Re: Fireball's Fecal 50 -- #10-#1

#2 Post by T_Bone0806 » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:54 am

I'm a little confused...neither Clair nor Little Children have anything to do with child molestation. The former is about a guy babysitting his niece and although it may mislead at first, it all falls into place what the situation is..he adores his niece, but she has worn him out and he just wants to get her in bed and off to sleep for the night. The problem, if there is one to be found, is the intentional misdirection it seemingly employs.

But Little Children? Don't see any ambiguity there. The singer is trying to steal some romantic time with his girlfriend, who is presumably in the same age range as the singer. Unfortunately for him, his girlfriend's younger siblings are also present, and will likely sing like a birdie to their parents...thus, the singer tries to distract them any way he can..candy and a quarter, treat them to a movie, wishing they'd take a nap, anything to ensure their silence. Nowhere is there any indication of molestation.

So while Clair is more easily open to misinterpretation, I see no lack of clarity in the intentions of Little Children.
"#$%&@*&"-Donald F. Duck

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Re: Fireball's Fecal 50 -- #10-#1

#3 Post by ghostjmf » Fri Dec 28, 2018 11:08 pm

I haveta agree with T-Bone.

Little Children, which is From My Youth, I'll have you know, is about 2 horny teens trying to *escape* the prying eyes of those kids in the title.

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