WWTBAM Bored

Doctor to male patient: You have to stop masturbating.

Patient: Why?

Doctor: I need to finish the examination.

Why did Adam and Eve get kicked out of the Garden of Eden?

Spoiler

Because they didn't read the Apple terms and conditions.

An old man was sitting front row, center court at a Knicks game one evening. Next to him was an empty seat.

A young man on the other side of him said “I can’t believe somebody has courtside seats and doesn’t come to the game.”

The old man replied “That is my wife’s seat. We were married 37 years and she passed away four days ago.“

The young man said “I’m so sorry to hear that but couldn’t you find some friends or a relative or something to come to the game with you?”

The old man replied “No, they’re all at the funeral.”

An oldie but goodie:

Two young brothers are getting ready for the day up in their room.
7 year old: I think we're old enough to start cussing.
5 year old: Sounds good to me. What do we say?
7 year old: When we go to breakfast, I'm going to say "damn;" you say "ass." 5 year old agrees and they scamper off.
Mom: What would you like for breakfast?
7 year old: I'll have some damn Cheerios
WHACK! Mom slaps him out of his chair, chasing him all the way back upstairs, smacking him with her slipper with each step.
Mom returns to the kitchen and asks 5 year old what he'd like for breakfast.
5 year old: You can bet your ass I don't want any damn Cheerios!

A little story to start your Christmas season in the right spirit.

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa her mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

He went to harness the reindeer; he found three of them were about to give birth, and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

When he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground, and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa entered the house for a glass of cider and a shot of rum.

He went to the cupboard; he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the rum.

In frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, which broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then, the doorbell rang; an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and a little angel stood with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel chirped, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman came over to their table, gave the husband a big kiss, said she'd see him later and walked away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, and I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce, it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm. "Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"That's his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.......

That is so warped.