My Audition Report from the Other Side

[AnnieCamaro]

I've seen lots of two-footers fret on this Bored about the APs at their auditions. I do not wish to be contrary, as I'm a get-along kind of girl, but having now been in the position of Holder of the Auditions, I have much more sympathy for their very difficult job.

Here's the deal. I put a casting notice on Craig's List for auditions for acting/singing serpents to play the role of the villain in my opera, Guinefort. If you don't remember the plot, the dog Guinefort is blamed for killing the Lord of the Manor's baby and gets quickly dead at the hand of the LotM, except the LotM is an idiot, who realizes immediately after the dog has his death scene that (a) the baby is just fine, and (b) there's a deader deadly snake in the baby's bed, because the noble heroic canine had killed it to save the baby's life. And that's the just the opening scene! Exciting stuff, I tell you.

Anyway, I thought it would be good to have a real snake for operatic enhancement. The first auditioner arrived about two weeks ago in my mom's office. That's not my fault. That's where the keyboard is, and the snake wanted to hear some of my music. So, dramatic chaos ensued after my mom saw the snake, and not in an operatic manner. You've all heard how that turned out. It was not a high point for music or theatre, I'm telling you.

This week, I thought I'd just better hold the auditions outside. On Monday, two snakes showed up together on the back porch. Even though I told her they had an appointment, my mom would not open the door to let me go outside until after they'd given up and gone away. Later in the day, another one -- or one of the first two -- showed up again. I like that in a performer -- persistence! Still, I couldn't get outside to conduct the audition, and the disappointed applicant slithered away to try to settle for a job directing traffic at the post office or to become a pair of cowboy boots. Something. Today, the doorbell rang. I knew it couldn't be another auditioner, as the bell is too high to reach for no-footers. Instead, it was the next-door-neighbor, who said to my mom, "I don't want to upset you, but there's another big snake in your back yard."

So mom waited until the neighbor was in the back, then she went out and grabbed her rake. She wouldn't let Lizbit go with her. I didn't even try, as I'm this close to going back to my original plan of having a fake dead snake in the opera, and I certainly didn't see how I could conduct any kind of interview or ask the snake to sing while my mom, the neighbor, and the neighbor's brother were having conniption fits, you know? I gather that the three of them convinced this snake to retire from show business, because he wasn't around when I finally got to go out.

So, I still don't know if snakes can sing. I still don't know if snakes can act. I only know that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to hold auditions when two-footers get nervous or act crazy. For that reason, I have deepest sympathy for the APs at Millionaire, the contestant coordinators at Jeopardy!, and the casting directors for all those other shows. In the future, I will request video tapes or DVDs only for all prospective performers of a non-footed species.

Before you ask, no, I do not know how the snakes managed to read Craig's List. I only know that if one is sincerely determined to become a performer, one will find a way.

/:?\

[Ritterskoop]

Annie, my admiration for you continues to grow. You are not only composer but director and promoter. It is astounding how many hats you wear. Your patience with two-footers is remarkable; I find myself modeling my behavior after yours. Sometimes when I have a tough two-footer issue, I ask myself what would Annie do? And then I know who the snakes really are and who is just pretending.

Incidentally, we walked at a city park today, and happened on a picnic shelter with a dog rescue group wanting to adopt out several waifs. They were all adorable. Dub did not mind when I came home smelling of Dog, as he knows I will never bring one to live here (too small a house, and not enough outdoors, even if I met the Exactly Right Dog). But he gets a little nervous if I come home smelling of Other Cat, because then he knows he can be replaced.

[AnnieCamaro]

Thank you for your kind words, Miss Ritter. I try. I just keep on trying.

I'm glad you met nice dogs today, and I'm pleased to hear that Dub understands if you come home with a different smell. If he ever begins to fret when you smell of Cat, though, you let me know. I am not a professional therapy dog like my late sister, but she taught me a few things. Perhaps I can explain to Dub that you like all cats because he is such a magnificent cat that he makes even lesser felines worthy of your touch as a tribute to his species. Cats, I've gathered, like to hear that sort of thing and feel reassured.

Miss bbking has my permission to try that approach on Merv, too, who may be feeling threatened by the unbearable cuteness of baby kittehs, especially since he was so recently a kitten of unrelenting adorability himself.

[ulysses5019]

I've seen lots of two-footers fret on this Bored about the APs at their auditions. I do not wish to be contrary, as I'm a get-along kind of girl, but having now been in the position of Holder of the Auditions, I have much more sympathy for their very difficult job.

Here's the deal. I put a casting notice on Craig's List for auditions for acting/singing serpents to play the role of the villain in my opera, Guinefort. If you don't remember the plot, the dog Guinefort is blamed for killing the Lord of the Manor's baby and gets quickly dead at the hand of the LotM, except the LotM is an idiot, who realizes immediately after the dog has his death scene that (a) the baby is just fine, and (b) there's a deader deadly snake in the baby's bed, because the noble heroic canine had killed it to save the baby's life. And that's the just the opening scene! Exciting stuff, I tell you.

Anyway, I thought it would be good to have a real snake for operatic enhancement. The first auditioner arrived about two weeks ago in my mom's office. That's not my fault. That's where the keyboard is, and the snake wanted to hear some of my music. So, dramatic chaos ensued after my mom saw the snake, and not in an operatic manner. You've all heard how that turned out. It was not a high point for music or theatre, I'm telling you.

This week, I thought I'd just better hold the auditions outside. On Monday, two snakes showed up together on the back porch. Even though I told her they had an appointment, my mom would not open the door to let me go outside until after they'd given up and gone away. Later in the day, another one -- or one of the first two -- showed up again. I like that in a performer -- persistence! Still, I couldn't get outside to conduct the audition, and the disappointed applicant slithered away to try to settle for a job directing traffic at the post office or to become a pair of cowboy boots. Something. Today, the doorbell rang. I knew it couldn't be another auditioner, as the bell is too high to reach for no-footers. Instead, it was the next-door-neighbor, who said to my mom, "I don't want to upset you, but there's another big snake in your back yard."

So mom waited until the neighbor was in the back, then she went out and grabbed her rake. She wouldn't let Lizbit go with her. I didn't even try, as I'm this close to going back to my original plan of having a fake dead snake in the opera, and I certainly didn't see how I could conduct any kind of interview or ask the snake to sing while my mom, the neighbor, and the neighbor's brother were having conniption fits, you know? I gather that the three of them convinced this snake to retire from show business, because he wasn't around when I finally got to go out.

So, I still don't know if snakes can sing. I still don't know if snakes can act. I only know that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to hold auditions when two-footers get nervous or act crazy. For that reason, I have deepest sympathy for the APs at Millionaire, the contestant coordinators at Jeopardy!, and the casting directors for all those other shows. In the future, I will request video tapes or DVDs only for all prospective performers of a non-footed species.

Before you ask, no, I do not know how the snakes managed to read Craig's List. I only know that if one is sincerely determined to become a performer, one will find a way.

/:?\

I may have found a compromise to your reptilian dilemma. Roboboa! He dances and perhaps with a little coaching can sing or we can go the Kathy Selden/Lina Lamont route. Here is his audition tape:

http://youtube.com/watch?v=1tYd4fQlwCk

Of course you could always rent the dvd of Snakes on a Plane and choose one of those stars. Just cover your ears when Samuel Jackson starts yelling about some of the passengers.

[jaybee]

Misc. comments:

Snakes have no problem reading Craigslist, rather it's the log on process without fingers that gives them fits.

I remember my Cincinatti BAM audition (#5??, #6??) where I had the joy and pleasure of getting first-hand exposure to two of the three BAM Jens; I got to stand up in front of the entire autidion crowd while they explained to me that since they had already seen us, multiple auditioners were wasting their time. I felt very much like that snake at the wrong end of a rake.

I've said this before and I'll say it again: When I die I want to come back as one of SC's dogs.

[MarleysGh0st]

Doesn't sound like the snake has a singing part, if the LotM finds it already dead in the cradle. Or will the snake have a flashback scene to play?

You'd best have any future auditions at an opera hall, instead of at home, Annie. Your mom doesn't seem to be fully cooperative with the process.

[a1mamacat]

Miss Annie, did your mom perhaps recently install an apple tree in the yard? I understand that snakes like apple trees alot. If you find one in the tree though, it is probably not a good intentioned snake, and you may want to decline the audition.

Perhaps you and your Mom could interview some mongooses. I understand that they make good agents, for screening snakes.