My Audition Report from the Other Side
Posted: Sat May 24, 2008 11:53 pm
I've seen lots of two-footers fret on this Bored about the APs at their auditions. I do not wish to be contrary, as I'm a get-along kind of girl, but having now been in the position of Holder of the Auditions, I have much more sympathy for their very difficult job.
Here's the deal. I put a casting notice on Craig's List for auditions for acting/singing serpents to play the role of the villain in my opera, Guinefort. If you don't remember the plot, the dog Guinefort is blamed for killing the Lord of the Manor's baby and gets quickly dead at the hand of the LotM, except the LotM is an idiot, who realizes immediately after the dog has his death scene that (a) the baby is just fine, and (b) there's a deader deadly snake in the baby's bed, because the noble heroic canine had killed it to save the baby's life. And that's the just the opening scene! Exciting stuff, I tell you.
Anyway, I thought it would be good to have a real snake for operatic enhancement. The first auditioner arrived about two weeks ago in my mom's office. That's not my fault. That's where the keyboard is, and the snake wanted to hear some of my music. So, dramatic chaos ensued after my mom saw the snake, and not in an operatic manner. You've all heard how that turned out. It was not a high point for music or theatre, I'm telling you.
This week, I thought I'd just better hold the auditions outside. On Monday, two snakes showed up together on the back porch. Even though I told her they had an appointment, my mom would not open the door to let me go outside until after they'd given up and gone away. Later in the day, another one -- or one of the first two -- showed up again. I like that in a performer -- persistence! Still, I couldn't get outside to conduct the audition, and the disappointed applicant slithered away to try to settle for a job directing traffic at the post office or to become a pair of cowboy boots. Something. Today, the doorbell rang. I knew it couldn't be another auditioner, as the bell is too high to reach for no-footers. Instead, it was the next-door-neighbor, who said to my mom, "I don't want to upset you, but there's another big snake in your back yard."
So mom waited until the neighbor was in the back, then she went out and grabbed her rake. She wouldn't let Lizbit go with her. I didn't even try, as I'm this close to going back to my original plan of having a fake dead snake in the opera, and I certainly didn't see how I could conduct any kind of interview or ask the snake to sing while my mom, the neighbor, and the neighbor's brother were having conniption fits, you know? I gather that the three of them convinced this snake to retire from show business, because he wasn't around when I finally got to go out.
So, I still don't know if snakes can sing. I still don't know if snakes can act. I only know that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to hold auditions when two-footers get nervous or act crazy. For that reason, I have deepest sympathy for the APs at Millionaire, the contestant coordinators at Jeopardy!, and the casting directors for all those other shows. In the future, I will request video tapes or DVDs only for all prospective performers of a non-footed species.
Before you ask, no, I do not know how the snakes managed to read Craig's List. I only know that if one is sincerely determined to become a performer, one will find a way.
/:?\
Here's the deal. I put a casting notice on Craig's List for auditions for acting/singing serpents to play the role of the villain in my opera, Guinefort. If you don't remember the plot, the dog Guinefort is blamed for killing the Lord of the Manor's baby and gets quickly dead at the hand of the LotM, except the LotM is an idiot, who realizes immediately after the dog has his death scene that (a) the baby is just fine, and (b) there's a deader deadly snake in the baby's bed, because the noble heroic canine had killed it to save the baby's life. And that's the just the opening scene! Exciting stuff, I tell you.
Anyway, I thought it would be good to have a real snake for operatic enhancement. The first auditioner arrived about two weeks ago in my mom's office. That's not my fault. That's where the keyboard is, and the snake wanted to hear some of my music. So, dramatic chaos ensued after my mom saw the snake, and not in an operatic manner. You've all heard how that turned out. It was not a high point for music or theatre, I'm telling you.
This week, I thought I'd just better hold the auditions outside. On Monday, two snakes showed up together on the back porch. Even though I told her they had an appointment, my mom would not open the door to let me go outside until after they'd given up and gone away. Later in the day, another one -- or one of the first two -- showed up again. I like that in a performer -- persistence! Still, I couldn't get outside to conduct the audition, and the disappointed applicant slithered away to try to settle for a job directing traffic at the post office or to become a pair of cowboy boots. Something. Today, the doorbell rang. I knew it couldn't be another auditioner, as the bell is too high to reach for no-footers. Instead, it was the next-door-neighbor, who said to my mom, "I don't want to upset you, but there's another big snake in your back yard."
So mom waited until the neighbor was in the back, then she went out and grabbed her rake. She wouldn't let Lizbit go with her. I didn't even try, as I'm this close to going back to my original plan of having a fake dead snake in the opera, and I certainly didn't see how I could conduct any kind of interview or ask the snake to sing while my mom, the neighbor, and the neighbor's brother were having conniption fits, you know? I gather that the three of them convinced this snake to retire from show business, because he wasn't around when I finally got to go out.
So, I still don't know if snakes can sing. I still don't know if snakes can act. I only know that it's very difficult, if not impossible, to hold auditions when two-footers get nervous or act crazy. For that reason, I have deepest sympathy for the APs at Millionaire, the contestant coordinators at Jeopardy!, and the casting directors for all those other shows. In the future, I will request video tapes or DVDs only for all prospective performers of a non-footed species.
Before you ask, no, I do not know how the snakes managed to read Craig's List. I only know that if one is sincerely determined to become a performer, one will find a way.
/:?\