Chaperonage

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

I am venting.

So Maddie came back from her trip.

Her roommate, who had always freaked out at local tournaments, lost it in Chicago. (Something that I expected.) She was crying during matches and in her room.

Basically when she went back to the room, she cried or she told Maddie that she needed to sleep, so Maddie couldn't watch TV or have the lights on.

So, my 14 year old daughter was roaming the halls of the hotel. Sometimes the boys in the group would invite her to their rooms, but she spent many hours wandering around the hotel.

The adults never asked her where she was and didn't come in to check on Maddie's roommate, despite the fact that she is on anti-depressants and has a history of cutting. My daughter really doesn't have any experience dealing with people with that kind of mental illness.

I personally think that when the roommate started losing it, she should have been moved into the female chaperone's room, rather than leaving my daughter to deal with the situation.

Because Maddie glommed onto the boys in the group because she was so lonely, one of them got it into his head that Maddie was stalking him and he spent most of the trip calling her a slut and telling him that she needed to go back into the kitchen. He was doing this during a game when he was captaining. (Nothing was done about this either.)

Maddie told me that at one time things were so bad that she planned on getting "lost" in Chicago, taking the brown line back to her hotel, then taking the shuttle to the airport and using her credit card and reservation to come back home, but she didn't want to let the rest of her team down, so she didn't.

Maddie doesn't want to do Quiz Bowl next year and doesn't plan on going to the last practice next week.

I think that she should at least go to the last practice and make a classy good-bye to the people that she likes.

[christie1111]

Venting?

That was not nearly as angry a vent as I would have written.

Where the hell were the chaperones?

Only one question, since Mattie is clearly self-asured, did she bring this to the attention of her chaperone?

I would not let this go as clearly there would be other people's children at risk if the same chaperones were to attend the next outing.

And I would insist ona different roomate and refuse to attend if told I had to room with this one.

Outrageous!

[Catfish]

I think that she should at least go to the last practice and make a classy good-bye to the people that she likes.

This is good advice.

[Bob Juch]

Raise holy hell!

The "chaperones" need to be replaced.

Maddie may not have been assertive enough, but she shouldn't have to have been.

By the way, one of my NTN teammates who returned last night after a long absence because he was teaching night school works for the company that does Quiz Bowl and writes many of the questions. He was in Chicago last weekend.

[silvercamaro]

I am venting.

This is terrible! The first thing I would do is to make sure the team's faculty sponsor knows all this, either via e-mail, snail mail or both. Put it in writing so that it's clear you have a copy. I might cc the principal of that teacher.

Even if Maddie does decide not to participate next year, the Quiz Bowl PTB need to be aware that they have serious problems with (a) other specific team members and (b) chaperone responsibility and supervision.

I don't get upset easily, but I am outraged by this whole situation as you describe it.

[Bob Juch]

Oh yeah, tell her that if she quits, she's letting the terrorists win.

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

The chaperones are the coaches. They are the teachers at the school.

Maddie is very self-reliant and felt uncomfortable going to them and complaining about her roommate. Her roommate was obviously going through something and Maddie felt that leaving her alone would be best.
Maddie has never dealt with mental illness.

She also didn't to tell me what was going on until the night that she came back because she knew that I would probably freak out.

[Catfish]

I think that she should at least go to the last practice and make a classy good-bye to the people that she likes.

This is good advice.

Lest you think I ignored the chaperone part, I didn't. Knowing how involved you are, I assumed that by now everyone from the chaperones to the school superintendent and the school board has known the wrath of PSM.

It is because of stories such as this that I have resolved to become a chaperone on every band trip from now until June 2012.

I hope that everything works out well for you and Maddie.

[SportsFan68]

I think it's great she got to go on the trip, and I hope that one day it will be a memory that she wouldn't trade for anything.

It's experiences like this that made me quit band. If you were in band, it was practically mandatory for you to go on band trips, and there was always at least one drama queen and one late-night partier in every room of four or six.

Plus there was some kind of horrible tradition where some twit came by to pound on doors early a.m. and cost everybody two hours of sleep.

[MarleysGh0st]

Yeesh!

If that other girl had these psychological problems, I'm wondering why she was invited to join this trip to Chicago in the first place? Or would it have been discriminatory not to allow that? (But not discriminatory to dump her problems in Maddie's lap?)

And I don't understand where the team captain's "stalking" comments came from, at all. Last week, you said they were sympathetic with Maddie for being stuck with that roommate. WTF?

[Catfish]

I think it's great she got to go on the trip, and I hope that one day it will be a memory that she wouldn't trade for anything.

It's experiences like this that made me quit band. If you were in band, it was practically mandatory for you to go on band trips, and there was always at least one drama queen and one late-night partier in every room of four or six.

Plus there was some kind of horrible tradition where some twit came by to pound on doors early a.m. and cost everybody two hours of sleep.

Uh-oh.

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

Maddie may not have been assertive enough, but she shouldn't have to have been.

Exactly, I think that my daughter shouldn't have had to make so many adult decision in dealing with this matter. As teachers, I am sure that they knew about her roommates history and medical condition, but Maddie was never told and found out when she saw all of the pills.

My most valuable things in life are my kids. I feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

[tlynn78]

feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

You did not f'up. You (and Maddie) have learned a valuable lesson. One that, while it could have gone very bad, very quickly, thankfully didn't. I hope if her enjoyment of the competition outweighs the negative experience of this particular trip, that she is open to trying it again, older and wiser for this experience.


t.

[silvercamaro]

Maddie may not have been assertive enough, but she shouldn't have to have been.

Exactly, I think that my daughter shouldn't have had to make so many adult decision in dealing with this matter. As teachers, I am sure that they knew about her roommates history and medical condition, but Maddie was never told and found out when she saw all of the pills.

My most valuable things in life are my kids. I feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

You did not screw up. The coaches did. It sounds to me as if Maddie came through a bad situation with grace. Kudos to her. She must have good parents who have taught her how to cope.

[nitrah55]

Maddie may not have been assertive enough, but she shouldn't have to have been.

Exactly, I think that my daughter shouldn't have had to make so many adult decision in dealing with this matter. As teachers, I am sure that they knew about her roommates history and medical condition, but Maddie was never told and found out when she saw all of the pills.

My most valuable things in life are my kids. I feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

They f*ed up, not you. It's reasonable to assume that they'd have vetted all the kids, and be paying particular attention to Maddie's roomie. I'm sure you'll be on the case next time.

And, it isn't Maddie's responsibility to have to fend for herself. It would have been good for her to go to the chaperones, but she's a kid. Looking out for the kids is their job, not hers.

I feel bad that she has a bad taste in her mouth about something she really liked doing. I hope the bad taste passes.

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

And I don't understand where thet eam captain's "stalking" comments came from, at all. Last week, you said they were sympathetic with Maddie for being stuck with that roommate. WTF?

They were sympathetic.

Last night I was chatting with one of the boys on Maddie's team, because I was trying to get another perspective about what happened before I raise hell.

He told me that one of the boys told the other boy that Maddie liked him, that's why she was hanging out with their group. (Maddie didn't know this until she returned from the trip.)

It isn't true, but as is typical of some guys, he reacted by being as nasty as possible to Maddie. Maddie fought back, she's got quite the mouth on her. Apparently one of the coaches heard some of the interations and told them that they sounded like an old married couple, which made things worse.

The boy who said that Maddie liked the other boy has asked Maddie out and she has said no.

[Catfish]

My most valuable things in life are my kids. I feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

Where do you think she got the skills she needed to get through this mess? She did get through it and learned a hard life lesson. She may feel like crap about the trip, but what she learned is important. You are a most excellent parent.

[themanintheseersuckersuit]

Because Maddie glommed onto the boys in the group because she was so lonely, one of them got it into his head that Maddie was stalking him and he spent most of the trip calling her a slut and telling him that she needed to go back into the kitchen. He was doing this during a game when he was captaining. (Nothing was done about this either.)

Ah! the limitless bounds of the male ego esp when threatened by a strong female. Sadly if Maddle quits its a victory for the Neanderthals. But life is a long list of choices that Maddie show make on the basis of what's best for her.

[Appa23]

How many chaperones, and how many kids?

Also, were Maddie and her roomie the only girls? (I was wondering why Maddie couldn't hang out and/or sleep in another room.)

[MarleysGh0st]

I feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

You think you should have asked to read the confidential files of the other students and questioned the teachers about their response plans in the event one of those students had a psychological melt-down? You think you should have had to?

No. Way.

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

10 kids. Eight boys, two girls. Two chaperones, one male and one female.

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

I feel really upset that I was naive to trust the situation and the chaperonage and sort of feel as though I fucked up as a parent.

You think you should have asked to read the confidential files of the other students and questioned the teachers about their response plans in the event one of those students had a psychological melt-down? You think you should have had to?

No. Way.

Knowing what I saw from the girl at games, I know that there was a greater than 90% chance that she wouldn't be able to handle the pressure. She was always having to be talked down at games and she couldn't even sit with the other kids at lunch.

I guess I just assumed that her mother and the teachers wouldn't let her go on the trip unless she knew that she could handle it.

[MarleysGh0st]

I guess I just assumed that her mother and the teachers wouldn't let her go on the trip unless she knew that she could handle it.

That they did so was their mistake, not yours.

[PlacentiaSoccerMom]

Maddie also told me that one of the times that she was hanging out with the boys in their room, one of the boys was sitting around in his underwear. (She didn't want me to tell her Dad!)

In the grand scheme of things though, it wasn't the worst thing that happened over the weekend.

[mrkelley23]

The next to last message in this is the most telling.

On the (Extremely rare) occasions where we are allowed to take students on overnight trips, the teachers/coaches are required to be in at least adjoining rooms with the kids they are chaperoning and to take an active role in supervising their activities.

These teachers did not.

There may not be a history of this type of supervision, but it sounds to me as if they dodged a major bullet -- this time.

Next time they won't be so lucky.

I'd let Maddie ditch Quiz Bowl, and then tell anyone who asks exactly why she did -- no drama, no bitterness, but her matter-of-fact opinion. That kind of thing will get back to the people who need to know, believe me. Especially given the talent that Maddie has.